You Are My Sunshine

January 28, 2021. I turned on your computer. I don't know what to expect but I got caught up with the saved mp4 on your desktop. I clicked on it and heard your voice singing "You Are My Sunshine". I felt a lump in my throat, load in my chest, and tears started falling. There was so much sadness in your voice. It was different Enzo singing. Heartwarming but also heartbreaking.

Everyday, I rely on your music going through dark times. It comforts me just hearing your voice. I imagine you sitting beside me, my head on your shoulder while listening to your song. Letting myself drowned in my tears.

Today, Good Friday, I stumbled a Gospel reading in Facebook from John 19:25-27.

“standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, ‘Woman, behold, your son!’ Then he said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’ And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home”

Then, it beats me. I am not alone. Mama Mary lost Jesus. She lost her child, the Son of God.

"God, I'm sorry I lost my son that You gifted me. I am unworthy of Your trust."

I shared Mama Mary's prayer to God to keep Jesus safe, the same prayers I have for Enzo. Maybe, she also questioned God’s choosing of her to be the mother of Jesus. She may be filled with guilt and questioned her parenting abilities too. Somehow, it brings me comfort that I have shared Mama Mary's suffering and knowing that God is with Enzo through it all. Now, as I listened to his song, I pray that I will be released from the guilt and thank God for blessing me 16years with him... He took my sunshine away and makes my Enzo happy for eternity.