Wayback Wednesday

I wish this particular “Wayback Wednesday” was wacky, witty, and waggish. Unfortunately, it was despairing, heartbreaking, and grieving.

The Phone Call. I remember Wednesday afternoon, on my way home from tutor, James called me looking for Enzo. I got scared and told him, “hanapin mo sya, dad”. I started praying to Mama Mary, asking a big favor to Jesus to keep him from harm while trying to call his mobile phone. No answer. Then, James called back hysterical, telling me, “Enzo’s gone, mommy”… just like that my baby was gone. I can’t cry. I was shouting at him, “No, it can’t be. We had plans, I will help him with his Filipino report when I get home. No, please tell me, he’s there.” James dismissed my plead and asked me to call for help, an ambulance, doctor, anything because he tried calling for an ambulance but there’s no answer. I started calling friends for help when he called back and instructed me to go straight to Specialized Medical Center Hospital. He decided to bring him there.

My fear became my reality. When I arrived at the hospital, everything was a shock. I was there but could not bring myself to go inside. I wanted to shout but there was no voice coming out. A friend came to me, assisting me to see my dear Enzo. She was sorry and told me they did everything but he just can’t. This time, my voice came back, and asked them to try again. They’re not listening. They removed everything from him. I can’t move, my whole body trembled. I didn’t want to think it was real. I just hugged him, kissed him, and begged him to come back to me.

Miracle happened. Heaven did listen to my prayers. His miracle was different from my prayer but He made sure His presence was felt. He didn’t allow Enzo to go home alone. He was anointed by Tatay Andrew. The moment he received the grace, my son’s face lightened up, there was peace and calmness. When I hugged him, I felt his body was no longer tense and cold. I felt his warmth and love for a moment. I thought he’ll be back to me but he didn’t. He went home to Jesus.

My grief begins with Emptiness-Madness-Despair. That day, I wasn't sure what to feel. I honestly can’t describe it. I felt empty while leaving the hospital. The last step away there, I didn’t look back. I knew I couldn't come back there anymore.

Going home, I panicked. Where is Vito? What will I tell him? I could not stop crying, not only for myself and his dad but also for Vito. Enzo was his sure foundation growing up. I have no strength to tell him his ahya didn’t make it. My heart shattered more.

I was angry and overwhelmed with pain. I was angry at myself for not trying harder. I was angry for being scared of all the things he can do. I should have expected worse than being hopeful that he will get better. I could have been more attentive, stricter, and kept him under our watch all the time, then maybe he is still with us. But was that what he wants, to be a prisoner in his own home? No, James and I decided to make our home his haven, a place he could reach for safety when the outside was so hard on him. That is why we didn’t keep him on strict watch. We didn’t want him to feel less capable and pressured on things he may feel irresponsible but we filled him with love and care we only knew. Was it wrong? Was my faith and prayers didn’t work? Should we do the complete opposite? I don’t know and I will never know.

Family away from home. When my world fell apart my friends became my family. We are blessed with a loving circle of friends here in the Middle East. The next morning, they all gathered at home and brought cooked meals and flowers for the altar. They set up the front yard for the first day of the 9-day novena prayer for Enzo. I just watched them getting busy. I can’t move. I was so tired from crying and lack of sleep. I can’t eat. I just sat there, alone in my own thoughts. His dad with the help of our friends here and my best friends in Manila arranged all the details of our coming home with Enzo. I couldn’t make it without them. Enzo had a solemn and meaningful memorial service. We sent him off the best way he really deserves. I’ve realized, indeed, this was another manifestation from heaven that my dear Enzo is now at peace and happy with Jesus.

There’s so much that I wasn’t expecting. Days, weeks, and months had passed. The world seems to have moved on. The truth is “You will never understand grief until you experience it yourself”. No one can tell you all the things that will happen after the loss. I wasn’t expecting the extreme change physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The pain lingers. I wasn’t expecting the constant sickness in my stomach, tightness in my chest, and lump in my throat. I wasn’t expecting the awkwardness of people every time I speak of his name. I wasn't expecting my faith to be put to test.

Wanting more out of life. I’m devastated that he didn’t get to continue the life that he wanted. His journey was cut short than we expected however I am very proud of what he had accomplished. I could not help but wonder what else he could have done. I cried for the milestones he would miss out on

…his prom, graduation, college, career, and a family of his own.