My Son Missed His Graduation

Enzo's kindergarten graduation photo

Today was the day I pictured my dear Enzo on stage, standing tall and beaming with his high school diploma but that will never happen. In spite of my broken dream, I am always proud of his intelligence and diligence.

I’ve never been a stage mom when it comes to his school. I trained him to take responsibility for his school work and let him brave consequences. The school was a piece of cake for him. He was always open and enthusiastic to learn in class and participate in activities outside the four corners of the classroom. Many times, he had surprised us with certificates and medals from a quiz bee, oration, chess tournament, and yearly academic achievements.

I thought days were always sunshine and glitter until he reached ninth grade. I watched closely as my dear Enzo became withdrawn from his friends in the community. His adviser warned me of his acquaintances at school. I shrugged it off because I don’t want to pry on his privacy especially when it comes to his friends. But he got suspended due to cheating. His dad made arrangements with the school prefect of discipline to allow him to go to school on his suspension days not to attend classes but to do chores such as cleaning the school ground, bathrooms, and washing dishes at the canteen. All kinds of work for the school cleaners.

From that incident, he managed to get back to his senses. We did a series of talks and he learned from his mistakes. He confessed that the cheating scene was just a stupid act of curiosity, and will not happen again. He endured different challenges throughout his junior high school. He deflected unfavored teachers and classmates. Some days, I was worried about any form of bullying but he assured me he can handle it on his own. He was back to his old self, cheerful and positive.

True to his nature, he finished his junior high school with flying colors and no alarming issues. He had figured out his future. He also started his preparation for college during term break by taking on an online SAT review test and an introductory course on Accounting. He looked forward to attending his Senior high school at our local Science High School in the Philippines.

All the while, he was creating his own life without wondering if he would be accepted or not. He never cared what others would think. He has been his own person with his own style. He liked clothes that made his brother tease him unceasingly and music that you can only hear from musical plays.

Then Covid hit, he got detached, restless, and drowned himself with online games. I was so worried he was going to fall through the cracks again. He had a breakdown and withdrew completely from his friends and the activities he loved. Science HS in the Philippines was canceled and he started the 11th grade ABM strand here in Riyadh through online. Every night, I prayed for his safety, and every morning, I thanked Heavenly Father for another day with him. I was on the edge of uncertainty. There were so many times I didn’t know if he was going to make it. Not because I didn’t believe in him but because he was falling apart due to his depression.

I was terrified of his struggles. As a parent, we can only assume the best for our dear son. We didn’t hold his future. We are beyond blessed by his short-lived life. But so many waking and sleepless moments, I spent wishing it could have lasted longer.

I continue to mourn for all the things we are and will be missing out on. No more stories of his school activities and tough exams. No more surprising achievements and impressive report cards nor preparations for school dances and learning to do his tie for the nth time with his dad. No more graduation and send-off to college photos of you. No more family photos with me being the smallest in our family of four. The list could go on with so many missed things with you but I realized instead of looking at what we are missing, why not cheer on what we once had. His journey is not mine to plan and dream. Our son is now happy and at peace in eternity. Instead of mourning what we are missing, I will celebrate all his successes.

On a brighter note, all dreams were not lost. We have Vito, his younger brother. I look forward to what his future holds for him. It must be incredibly difficult for him too but I have seen him continuously bloom into a fierce young man. He has discovered his own strength and learned that he can accomplish great things on his own. And I believe, these are all because he had a tough, loving ahya Enzo.