My Email to Heaven

My dear Enzo,

It’s been about 1 year, 3 months, and 11 days since you returned to our Heavenly Father and I miss you. Everyday to forever.

Enzo in his formal suit for the Masquerade Ball (Junior HS prom in 2019).

I was not nor will be angry with you for leaving us abruptly. I am hurting for not being enough to save you. Going through your things, it was so clear how much you suffered. I believe you knew we tried to help. And I know you didn’t always like it because it was not what you needed but we gave the best we could with the knowledge we had. How I wish my love for you could have filled in the emptiness.

There are days I will be reminded of your absence unexpectedly and it hits me like a lightning strike and shatters my barely fixed broken heart.

Today, I woke up with so many Happy Mother’s Day and Graduation posts on my social media feeds. I turned off all the notifications and ignored the messages. I have no strength to deal with them. Your absence has consumed me, I could not move.

I am so jealous of all the prom nights and graduation pictures on my feed.

I can’t help remembering the first time I brought you to school, after saying goodbye, you hurriedly gave me a goodbye hug and kiss, and off you went inside. I wonder if you heard me saying, “enjoy your day, I love you”. I thought about you the whole time you were at school and when I came to fetch you, you were so excited. Your eyes were so bright and you filled me in with so many stories, you didn't stop talking. And you talked more even when we got back into the house. I was so amazed how easily you can smile at strangers and make friends. You were not afraid to explore the world ahead of you.

I am so jealous of all the prom nights and graduation pictures on my feed. I wish I were sitting with dad and Vito in the middle of the crowd watching you walk across the stage as the principal handed your high school diploma. You've worked so hard to get to that point. We will be proud of you just as always. This should be one of your days to shine. In August, we’re supposed to send you off to the college of your choice. I am sure you will receive a lot of acceptance letters in the mail. You will be nervous but I know you will not be scared, you've planned everything for your college life. I remember how excited you were with the course you will pursue and the possibility of having Vito under your care when it’s time for him to go to college too. I'm glad that we had the mother-son relationship that is very rare and far between, and that you can share with me about anything until depression took you away from me.

Now, I don't know how to tell you how proud I am of you. If given a chance, I know you will go far in this life because you deserve the best this world can give you. My heart hurts to know that you have graduated in life too soon, but this is what you really need, to end the long overdue pain and you will be alright. Depression had sucked all your energy. You had fought a good fight. You have accomplished so much in spite of your struggles. I can attest to that, you have braved many unfavored people and circumstances, received many recognitions and won every competition. You didn’t give up easily. You have given your very best until you could not anymore. Our Heavenly Father has seen everything and finally gave you rest. As hard as it is, we have to move on with our lives without you being physically here with us. I have to let you go and discover eternity on your own, but this I promise, I will be with you in prayers always.

I'm not always a good mom. I've lost patience and made mistakes. I am so sorry for the times I may have hurt you. And I hope you can forgive me if I have failed you. But please know in your heart that I am forever grateful and honored to be your mom.

My dear ahya, please give me the strength to deal with this pain of missing you. You said in your poem, you read to ignore the pain and to escape reality, I understand now because every time my soul crashes, I will linger on your books too. I pray for the grace to make me an instrument of His love to others so they can avoid having to go through the same journey with us. You are my heart, my life, and my soul. I love you to infinity and beyond. Thank you for the best 16 years of my life with you.

Mom