Monday, 09272021

It's a bad day. I need to release this heaviness, but no words can truly express the depth of my emotions. I'm at a complete loss on where to start. I'm confused and devastated. I find myself grappling with the idea of seeking answers, yet honestly, I don’t want any. I am not searching for solutions or for someone to assure me that everything will be okay. Honestly, I don’t believe there is a silver lining to this dark cloud that has settled over me. Nothing would make my suffering bearable. Perhaps by pouring my heart out onto the page, even if I can’t explain it, I might calm the chaos in my heart and mind. Maybe, just maybe, it allows me to find peace amidst the turmoil.

Losing my dear Enzo has broken me completely. He's a part of me that is beyond words. His presence brought a sense of comfort and security that I had come to rely on. With his absence, I feel adrift in a world that seems strange and unwelcoming. Each day, I wake up unsure of how to breathe, react, and carry on. The agony is perpetual, cruel, and suffocating. How I will ever find a way to navigate this overwhelming grief? Will I ever feel whole again without him by my side?

He's my love, my purpose, and my hope.

He made me a mom, a role that has transformed my life in ways I could never have imagined. The shared laughter, dreams, and tender moments of growing up are now precious memories that I hold close to my heart. I am consumed by darkness without him. I need him to bring me back to where I once was. I crave the warmth of his presence and the comfort of his embrace. I lack the courage to manage a life that no longer feels like mine, where the colors have faded and the music has quieted. Every moment is a battle to endure. I’m unsure if I can still be a mom without him.

I am completely drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can barely find the strength and joy to get through my duties, whether at home, during work, or on our weekly household meetings. My grief and guilt are overwhelming. I yearn for an escape. The desire to distance myself from everything grows stronger with each day. I just want to be away from everything. Every day is a battle, and some days, it feels like I’m losing.

I am uncertain about my next steps, but I'm striving to move forward, even though the path is unclear. I have no idea how long it will take or if I'll ever heal. What I do know is that right now, I'm lost and need help to find my way.  In these dark times, I realize how truly blessed I am to have the steadfast support of my family. Their strong and loving presence gives me comfort and reassurance. It reminds me that I am not alone in this journey. I am learning to depend on them more, understanding that it is by God's grace we share each other's love and faith.