Mom's Day Without Enzo

Mother's Day. I woke up beaming at the ray of sunshine, determined to seize the day in the most positive way as I promised to write happy memories of my dear Enzo in honor of his 16 wonderful years with us. Vito and I had our breakfast at the nook outside our house. He made me a cheese sandwich and greeted me a warm "Happy Mother's Day" with his tight hug and sweet kisses. Then he said, " I know you're missing Enzo but I love you too." I hugged him tighter and reassured him my love.

The day went by like an ordinary day. I did my work at home in the morning then went to my tutee in the afternoon. Before the end of the day, I got a beautiful bouquet from my husband. I put the flowers on the altar table and we prayed our 6 o'clock prayer habit (Angelus and Novena for Enzo). After then, James loaded Vito's bikes in the car, and off to the park and met our friends to celebrate Mother's Day. It was a happy night, filled with stories and sumptuous food to dig in. In the middle of everything, I caught James' eyes unexpectedly. He shook his head telling me that I was spaced out for so long. I knew tears were about to flowed, I felt so hollow just I anticipated. As broken as I was, I also felt peace and love while watching my Vito with his friend. Grateful that he is so much different from Enzo. I want him to keep his own personality.

Mother's Day (earlier years of my motherhood) were special. Being the only woman in our family of four, I was their world. I had their undivided attention. There were lots of hugs and kisses, and cheers of "Mommy, you're the best and the prettiest". One time, I asked (jokingly) for Pandora charm as a gift. Enzo did not hesitate and pooled his money with Vito and bought me the most beautiful heart charm. Wrapped with that glitter of silver and gold was their love and happiness in giving me a special gift... and I couldn't ask for more.

Looking at Vito now, I can't help but be amaze how he has grown up so much. He is smarter than his age. He evolved from being introvert to a confident young man. I want to think he learned it from his brother. He usually relied on Enzo but now he stepped up for me and his dad. He is our source of strength. Looking at him reminds me that though Enzo is now in heaven, I am still a mom, and I am still needed. But the day after Mother's Day, I am in another turmoil of unexpected negative emotions. I felt guilty. I shouldn't be enjoying the 1st Mother's Day without my Enzo. Then, I felt ashamed for feeling guilty to enjoy the holiday with Vito. It is only fair for him to have his Mom happy. I miss Enzo, his voice when he was singing or responding to my I love you, his occasional awkward hugs that lifted my feet off the ground, and his teasing when I cried to a movie or a novel. But I have to treasure what I have now... build more new memories with Vito and tucked Enzo in another side of my heart. I guess from now on I will be torn between feeling joy for Vito and grief for Enzo.