Oh My Grief Is Crazy

Don’t keep your grief hidden. Put your sorrow into words. The grief you keep inside will whisper in your heart until it breaks. -William Shakespeare,Macbeth Act IV.

I used to think grief is a life passage, a common human experience we may have in our lifetime. At 15 years old, I first recognized grief when we lost my grandfather to cancer. It broke my heart watching him bear the pain without any complaint so I used to think it was for the better. No more sickness, no more pain. Years after one grandparent to another passed away. I wanted to think, I was more mature not to get too emotional and it was part of the circle of life. We were born and we are expected to return to ashes.

Year 2018, my world stopped when I received a call from my youngest brother that our dear Kuya Anthony passed away due to cardiac arrest. His words were deafening. I was lost in my own thoughts. Memories of him came flashing all at the same time. I didn’t know if I had responded to any words I heard. I just cried and cried. When I went home to attend his wake and funeral, I had to be strong. I could not bear to cry in front of my parents so I cried alone. I was broken-hearted for my mom and dad too, it was not right. I needed to be their strength. Then I doubted if this too was part of the circle of life. He was young and full of hopes. But life pushed me to move on, more slowly and with a heavier heart.

Pandemic strike and the world stopped. We were literally locked up in our own homes. Our family was blessed to beat up Covid. My youngest, Vito was infected but he didn't suffer the lashed out of the virus. He was physically and mentally strong. Yes, he was sad to be away from home but nevertheless enjoyed our quarantine days together at the hotel. He had all my undivided attention. But, when all we thought we had surpassed 2020 with flying colors, the unexpected cruelty of pandemic struck on the afternoon of January 27. My eldest, Enzo lost our battle to his depression. I was thrown out of a deeper hole all of the sudden. My old grief and my new one clashed. I could barely breathe. I was starting to let go of the pain of losing my brother. I was about to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet I was pulled back to a deeper and darker end.

I thought I had mastered masquerading our pain in front of others. We tried to deal with his struggles within our family. We let him drop things we thought may cause him more pressure and focus more on family time. We changed our household activities to frequent casual family meetings and bondings. I looked relax in front of him but inside, I was really screaming. The day I lost my dear Enzo was the day my mask fell off. I could no longer pretend I was strong. I was consumed with so many what-ifs and guilt. All future plans with him had swallowed into emptiness.

It hit me hard. Grief makes me crazier every day. Erratic mood swings made me feel alone. Most of the time, I think I'm the only one at home having such strange sensations. My husband told me, I have become obsessed with our loss. He time-checked on my sanity constantly. He reminded me not to fixated my thoughts on the pain and taught me to compartmentalize my emotions. I can't help it. I was like a scared kid who had watched a horror film that keeps playing over and over in my mind.

I have become solely focused on looking for answers; how it could have been avoided, what went wrong, and who was to blame. And every time I drowned myself with questions, my heart would explode. I will start to cry like no tomorrow and I wonder how could I possibly have more tears left to shed. There were times insignificant things may trigger my crying episode. It will come out of nowhere leaving me exhausted and drained.

Then, I got stuck over the many why and what ifs. I assumed if I have the answers, I would find comfort and would be able to pick up the pieces and move on. But by not being able to let go of so many why and what ifs only kept me in the dark.

The most paralyzing effect of my grief is my anxiety. I worried too much over nothing. A constant state of fear and panic adds stress on a daily basis. I could not look at SMC Hospital every time we passed by. I will feel tightness in my throat and heaviness in my chest. I irrationally worry about Vito. I could not leave him alone. I fear of uncertainty and being alone. I wanted to get out of the house and drag him wherever I am. I know he's tired and bored most of the time but I ignore it. I will end up feeling guilty again to both Enzo and Vito.

Grief makes me numb and dumb. Literally, my mind feels empty and I feel nothing. The thought of continuing our days without Enzo is unimaginable. I could care less what would be the day be. There were days I was unable to complete simple tasks, like replying to an email, taking a shower, or making a coffee. I had no desire to engage in any regular activities or things I used to enjoy like reading a novel, listening to music, and watching movies.

Grief makes me guilty all the time, whether my day was good or bad. It's a rollercoaster ride while still trying to function in life. I feel crazy all the time. I feel unworthy of good days. How can I enjoy the day when you're gone? How can life be good when you're not here? And when days are terrible and depressing, I feel weak and overdramatic. Every turn gives me a different glimpse of emotions I have to deal with at the same time. It's chaotic every time I try my best to make sense of something but can never make sense. All I can do for now is to keep up with reality when the reality is crazy.

I began to realize that I cannot allow grief to overpower me. I want to live the rest of my life honoring the wonderful life we shared with my dear Enzo. My heart breaks every time I tried to speak of him to a friend and felt their awkwardness. I found myself slowly avoiding myself to mention him. So I write, it's okay if no one will notice. I just want to keep his memory alive and be remembered not only to his family but to his friends as well. And while it may seem like my pain will never end, over time, I hope it will evolve to something beautiful. When? How? I really don't know but God’s love is about finding joy in the midst of our sorrow... it will never be the same joy but a new joy through God's grace.