Day 40: Dear Enzo

40days had passed...when asked, how are you? How are you feeling? Are you okay? Musta na? I have nothing to say because I am still broken and far from healing. But I really appreciate family, friends, and sometimes, long-ago acquaintances taking time to stop by and check on how are we doing. Your constant presence and prayers keep me going, slowly moving out of my own grief, confusion, and guilt.

As per belief, the 40th day from our dear one's passing is the mark of his ascension to heaven. It is the beginning of his journey to the kingdom of God. Though, I believe in my heart, since day 1, God has sent Tatay Andrew (our parish priest) to Specialized Medical Center, where Enzo was, to bless and bring our dear son to His Kingdom. And today, we are celebrating his 40 days with Jesus. It is a day filled with prayers, good food, family love, and lots of shared wonderful memories of a beloved son, brother, nephew, grandson, friend (Enzo was) who lived, laughed, sang, danced, and loved. Unfortunately, we could not bring all our relatives and friends together due to the quarantine policy. But know that we are grateful for all your thoughts and prayers.

I hope this letter will go through your new mailing address in heaven.

Dear Enzo,

Oh my sweet, ahya loves. Today we celebrated your 40th day in heaven. And, I miss you so much. We're supposed to go camping, you were excited as this should be our very first in the wilderness but God has another plan, an unexpected plan...

You came to my life by surprise. At first, I was scared to become a mommy, but I could not contain all the excitement of all the“firsts” that we will experience together, like your first step, first mama-calling, first birthday, first day of school, and even your first crush. And God is so generous to let me have all those first. He also gifted me the moments of watching you play with your dad and Vito, taking pictures of you and your dad before your school prom and YFC youth ball, attending your recognition day at school. I was looking forward to seeing you off to college, dancing with you at your wedding, and carrying my first grandchild from you. They robbed me of all of those moments when your dad called me that afternoon. My sweet dreams of you were replaced by my worst nightmare.

...and God took you by surprise. I prayed for time, I will take even the shortest time He could give. Maybe, one minute before you took your last breath, to remind you how much I love you and how proud and fulfilled I am to be your mom, to sing you our song. Then, I could hug you, kiss you, hold you in my arms and tell you that I am sorry I could not fill in the gap and it's okay if it is setting you free from pain. Enzo, I don’t know why God called you home so soon, but dad said you are too beautiful to keep you here on earth. God has prepared so much for you in His kingdom. With a heavy heart, all I could do is to give you back to Him and to look forward to seeing you in Heaven.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. I love you so much and if in case you don't have a memory of your life here on earth, my ahya, I pray at least God allows you to bring our love with you up there.

Mom