Day 32 without my Enzo

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me and James: shock, broken, helpless, and confused. But for me, the most overwhelming is guilt. Honestly, no matter the cause of our loss, I will feel the same gravity of pain and guilt. My dear Enzo was not only my son but my confidant too. I miss him sorely but I know he is resting in eternal peace.

Now, I can’t stop thinking how he suffered and how I was unable to help him. I'm his mom. I was supposed to know it was coming. I should have kept him safe. I tried my very hardest, but I still failed. Or maybe something I didn’t do caused his passing. The truth is, I just don’t know. But even if I did, all I remember is we gave and did everything we knew what's best for him.

"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32

Faith is all we have. When God allows something to happen, it will happen. We love, pray, and believe. We surrender everything to Him. But He has other plans. This experience is so humbling, as a parent, we do everything to love and protect our children from any harm or evil. It is our Father in Heaven who loves them more. And when He called Enzo back home, we cannot refuse. We have to return him hoping he brought our love with him as he went.

There are many unanswered questions and what-ifs. It's poisoning and believe me, whatever you are thinking right now, I think of it every second of the day. I did my best to help our son have a rewarding life, but Covid 19 pandemic happened. The happy times became fewer, and his self-struggles piled up and it was heartbreaking. I can't control what you think and I understand why you feel that way, but I cannot allow the guilt to consume me. Enzo would not be at peace if I continue to feel responsible for his passing. I owe him his peace and I will not allow him to worry about me now. I know depression is not rare, unfortunately, it is not fully understood, and it makes us powerless. Please be considerate and not seek answers from us.

Moving forward will be a struggle. We still have Vito and constantly try to make sure he is more than okay. That he will have a proper way to process his grief on his own time.

We are still in disbelief because we did everything we knew to prevent our fears from happening. But one thing is for sure, the pain will never go away and nothing will make me unlove my Enzo. We were blessed to have had him in our lives.

Thank you, families and friends (turned to family) for all your love, support, and prayers. You are the manifestation of God's love to our family, especially to Enzo.