Day 100: I decided to celebrate and share your life

My dear Enzo,

It's been 100 days since you went home to Jesus. I want you to know that my love for you has not changed. As I have said to you before; nothing will make me unlove you nor hate you.

What you had been through was unfathomable and your struggles were not something that you asked for. How many times I wished I could have shared the blame you laid on yourself for being sick. I cried every time you were deep in your sorrow. I could do nothing but pray for God's grace to give back the young, fun-loving Enzo. But my prayers were not answered the way I was expecting. I cried again. I know you don’t want me to cry. You have cried so much for both of us.

From now on, I will write all the loving moments before the darkness swallowed you. I will list down all the times we dated, laughed, and sang. Losing you at 16 was unacceptable. I needed you to stay longer. So many days have come and gone without you here. It was so unfair that life has to go on and you are frozen in time. Your dad said I should look beyond my longing for you because you are now in a better place than all of us. You are safer and happier. Really, I try to let go of the pain, but no matter how much I let go, it holds onto me. You were supposed to be with me. Then, it hits me. I am selfish to hold on to you when God has given you peace.

I can't help it. Tears flowed every time I look at your pictures. I could not see our future without you. There won’t be any cheering from the audience when you dance. No more youth ball nor graduation. No more music from the kitchen when you washed the dishes. No more broadway shows we planned to watch. All the moments I pictured you in it were stripped away from me instantly. Your dad reminded me that you are always with me. Vito also wanted me not to indulged in your photos, videos, and songs. I know they mean well but you are gone. I will never see you again.

After losing you, I realized your pain was scary to me then maybe all the time you were in pain I made you felt like a burden. No, my dear Enzo. You were not a burden. I don’t know which pain is deeper; losing you or having you while you're in pain.

I was scared and you were reluctant. We opted to keep it in our family. We thought we were protecting you. Sometimes, I felt the shame of not knowing what you can do because of your uncontrolled pain. I used to get really upset when I didn’t understand. I am sorry my dear Enzo. I am sorry for being so scared. Please know that I love you for all the times that you didn’t love yourself. And from now on, I will honor your life by sharing your happiness before darkness overshadowed you. I will speak openly about how darkness took you from me, in the hope no more moms will be in deep grief like mine. I will draw new strength from my brokenness, just like you would have wanted to do for us. I still mourn your absence but my comfort comes in believing that Jesus called you home for a greater purpose.

Love you to infinity and beyond,

Mom