Our Response to His Depression

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We, as parents will do everything to keep our children safe and lift everything to God then assume only the best. Helping Enzo with his depression was a challenge we faced as a family altogether. Oftentimes, we were confused and helpless. Sadly, our battle with his depression ended too soon. I am sharing with you the things we did when we realized his struggles.

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Be vigilant about the symptoms.

 

Signs and symptoms vary from person to person. These are the changes we saw on Enzo:

• Days of insomnia followed by a day of sleeping too much

• Exhaustion and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

• Loss of appetite

• Tensed extremities and upper body

• Unexplained headache, chest pain, and tummyache

• Chocked while drinking

• Loss of interest in his digital art, music, and books 

• Trouble concentrating and remembering things

• Isolating himself in gatherings 

• Anxiety and restlessness

• Incidents of self-harm

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Maintain a good family relationship.

 

Our family is built based on loving and trusting relationships. We put them in a good school and community in hope that they can continue to grow and develop safely. But being an adolescent in these trying times, a parent can only hope that their children can complete this stage successfully without too many difficulties. And we made sure our home will be their safe haven when the outside world became unkind. We established open communication but teenage emotions are complex. We learned to be more patient and understanding. There were times that Enzo will judge himself harshly and find fault with everything he does. We never get tired of reminding him of all his positive qualities and how much he is loved by his family and friends.

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Frequent schedule of quality family time.

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"Quality family time" is sometimes tricky and misleading. Taking your children to your own activities is not quality family time. Simple family household chores like cleaning the front yard or baking together are good quality times. Aside from the family chores, our quality family times include; watching movies, playing board games, walking in the park, and scheduled travels. A good family relationship cannot occur unless parents and children spend time together. Someone with depression will have both good and bad days. They might show less interest in the things they used to enjoy, and might not always feel like going out, then try to spend time with them at home. 

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Be supportive and not intrusive.

 

There is a very thin line between being supportive and intrusive. I made sure to acknowledge the times when Enzo was upset. There were days he could not pull himself to go to school and I will let it pass. All I can do was to ask patiently, not interrogating nor demanding to know the "whys" of his distress. It was very painful to me to see him crying desperately to give me an explanation but he can't. Thus, I gave him time to process and when he's ready, he'll share his sadness. I was scared that his lonely days has outnumbered his happy days. James and I respected his independence and trust God will fill his emptiness with His love and faith. Every night, we pray for courage and wisdom for our children that they can solve their problems on their own. Our support is always there for them when needed but not imposed.

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Encourage expression of emotions.

 

Enzo tended to either hide his emotions or show them in an explosive manner, thus we thought it was just a normal teenager's mood. One time, I was bothered by his excessive excitement during his online class. I asked him to control his emotions as his classmates and teachers may see him as a class clown and will not see him seriously. He got hurt and told me he didn't expect that comment from me. I realized then, I should not be bothered by how they see my Enzo as I know he's genuine in all his actions. From then on, I encouraged him to show and share his feelings of joy, happiness, excitement in all his small and big successes. Eventually, he also shared his sadness and disappointment whenever he's ready. I made him aware that I understand if he doesn’t want to open up just yet and I will support him no matter what. Both positive and negative emotions must be processed accordingly and not be contained for long to avoid an uncontrolled outburst.

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Listening and Hearing are not the same.

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Sometimes, our biggest communication problem with our teenagers is we do not listen to understand but just to respond. As parents, we are keen to give advice to our children but we don't actually listen to their points of view. Messages sent by our teenagers may be contradicting and confusing so we lose our patience. We, parents, should take extra effort to decipher these scrambled messages to get in touch with our children's feelings. Listening requires a conscious effort to understand what they are saying. There were times, I was a selective listener to Enzo. I denied the scary messages that unfolded to me. Instead, I assumed the opposite and hoped for the best. 

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Intervention in Stressful Situations.

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A stressful situation is unavoidable. Our children may go through really difficult times, and their behavior may seem erratic and unpredictable. It is likely they will behave in ways that seem out of their character. For example, my Enzo dropped all his extra-curricular activities all at once. He quit violin, AS, and YFC. And he became irritable, impatient, and detached. It was not easy dealing with his negativity and hostility but we tried to understand that he did not mean those hurtful words and actions. If he was in his impulsive behavior, we tried our best to ensure his safety. His younger brother, Vito, became more understanding and caring for him.

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Compassion is the key to keeping the family going in times of confusion due to his depression. We encourage him to do something that might help him cope with his depression. We kept him busy with chores at home, like repainting the house, washing the dishes, and sweeping the front yard. Every night, we will walk around the neighborhood. We also encouraged him to see a doctor and get appropriate treatment. 

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Take Self-harm Seriously.

 

Honestly, the first time Enzo did self-harm, I was scared and mad. I was scared of how brave he can be and mad for the idea that maybe he is holding himself against us. I was in denial of the things he can do. I was hurt too whenever he hurt himself. I took all self-harm as a threat seriously. I knew the self-harm was a cry for help. But I could not give him advice beyond my knowledge. I encouraged him to see a doctor but I could not force it on him. And we are in a foreign land, with huge language and culture barrier. James and I were helpless and clueless. All we could do was to let him know he is loved and supported every step of the way. We kept him occupied with activities that is close to his comfort zone and that was his music. I remember the times I was afraid to leave him alone. I literally drag him out of his room to go with us biking at the park or just go to the mall. 

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After self-harm.

Don't dismiss the attempt as attention-seeking behavior. I was torn between my own pain and his. I wanted him to see a doctor but I was afraid to add more pressure on him by insisting on the things he did not want. We decided to keep his condition within the family and did our own family therapy. We hope and prayed it was just a teenage phase that he will eventually win this over as long he has his family. We wanted our home to be his safe haven by doing the following:​

• More caring but not over-protective

• Close observation but not intrusive

• Regular routine like chores and evening walks.

• Keep out of his reach all medication such as his dad's maintenance pills

• Taking paracetamol and melatonin under our supervision

• Adjust our parenting methods on our two children, a more lenient and conversational way

• Made his younger brother understand his situation 

• Regular family time. Intentional dad and son, mom and son, and siblings bonding.

• Prayed for his safety from himself and the outside world.

 

Over time, he did change. He became calmer and more sociable. We thought he was getting better when in fact, he was getting wiser on keeping his condition. 

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... when the family is not enough

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I don't know why the family was not enough. And we were glad that his friends reached out and helped us with Enzo. They seek their teachers' assistance too. Together, we acknowledge the severity of the situation. We appreciate the constant communication from them. We thought we were able to connect to Enzo. Slowly, we were seeing the sweet, funny Enzo coming out of his shell again. One day, he agreed to seek medical help. I was relieved. He said he'll be ready to see a doctor on weekend.

 

But we were all deceived. He could not wait for the weekend. And that's the greatest regret I have to live with. I should have not waited for the weekend. I should have insisted on bringing him to the hospital the moment he agreed. How am I supposed to know when...

As a parent, it is not easy to accept that my once bright and bubbly Enzo turned into an emotionally troubled teenager, not to mention suicidal. When you’re depressed you don’t control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I blame myself and tie up on many "if only" and "why" questions. If only I understood that sooner, maybe... we can break the stigma on mental health issue that often hinder us to understand and seek help for our loved ones even for ourselves.

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